Squall Wally Poo's Party
by Loren
Summary: Someone drops in and knocks out Rinoa. Watch the fun unfold. Some vulgar language.


Boring Legal Disclaimer: ~moans tediously~ Don't own FF. I'm too poor. All I have is my stories. Maybe someday though I'll own Final Fantasy. Someday. Probably not. But it's not illegal to wish. And what if is!? Are you going to sue me for yearning?! Bring it on! I mean... don't sue me. It's not worth suing someone who can't give you a dime.   
  
Hell has frozen over. The gods had laughed. Zell has become a vegetarian. Selphie had said something brilliant. And Irvine has taken a vow of abstinence.   
Yes, I'm going to attempt a humor story.   
I think I'm ready. All my fanfics so far have been dramatic and serious. But I can do it and achieve my goals. At least that's what my shrink told me to tell myself in the mirror everyday.   
Will any of the characters I created show up on this story? God, I hope not. I think I'm going to put it in play format for the dialog. That'll be my other first. Actually no, I wrote the Disciplinary Room featuring the Committee. So it's not my first humor story.  
Oh, and one last thing before I start. Pray for me. And review as much as possible. I'll need it.  
  
–  
  
In Balamb Garden, Rinoa was preparing a big get-together surprise dinner. The occasion was Squall's new achievement, he had finally agreed to see a psychiatrist. Of course, after Rinoa had nagged him until he yielded to her wishes.   
  
Rinoa: Ha! We'll see how wears the pants in the relationship. ~laughs to self~  
Selphie: ~ pokes head through door~ Hello. Were you talking to yourself?  
Rinoa: No...um... ~ lies~ I was talking to your imaginary friend.  
Selphie: ~ gasps~ Not Mr. Giggles! He's my man! I mean... we're only friends! I love Irvine! He's my cowboy, baby!   
Rinoa: ~lifts eyebrow~ Whatever...  
Selphie: You sounded just like Squall! You are such a adorable couple! ~giggles tipsily~  
Rinoa: Selphie, have you been taking any drugs?  
Selphie: ~grins densely~ No, although my Irvy's been giving me these little pills....   
Rinoa: I don't want to know! But, can you do a favor for me? Go get everyone because my cutie will be home soon. I want him to be surprised.  
Selphie: Yippee skippy! ~prances off~  
Rinoa: And the fanfic people consider me the ditz...~continues making the dinner, singing to herself~ ... you'd always be there in the corner of this tiny little bar...  
Voice: Rinoa... ~admiring~  
Rinoa: ~turns her head~ Who's calling my name?  
Voice: Rinoa... Rinoa...  
Rinoa: What?! Stop calling my name!  
Voice: Oh shit! ~sounding from the closet~  
Rinoa: ~cautiously approaches the closet door~ Who's there?  
Voice: Nobody, ya know... I'm just a figment of your imagination.  
Rinoa: ~throws door open and Rajun falls out~ Why are you in MY closet!?  
Rajun: Um... I wanted to practice scaring you so I could really surprise Squall, ya know.  
Rinoa: Get out! ~points to the door~  
Rajun: Okay... ~snatches Rinoa's sweater from the closet when she isn't looking and runs out, sniffing it~  
Rinoa: ~mutters~ Maybe I should go with Squall to the psychiatrist. All that stress from the people around here.   
Voice: Rinoa...   
Rinoa: Oh not this AGAIN! Someone's going to get their ass kicked! This is NOT the time of the month to be messing with me!  
Voice: Stupid bitch! ~a woman appears in a hooded black cloak and a staff~  
Rinoa: ~groans~ Not another sorceress!  
Woman: Don't you recognize me? ~takes off hood to reveal an extremely familiar face~   
Rinoa: ~gasps~ But I thought you were dead, Rena!  
Rena: I thought so too! ~knocks Rinoa out of staff~ ... Idiot.   
Selphie: ~knocks on door~ Rinoa, what's going on? I thought I heard yelling.  
Rena: Come back later. I just have to clean things up. ~starts dragging Rinoa into the closet~  
Selphie: Okay! I'll be back in a few minutes! ~skips away from door~  
Rena: ~mumbles while tying and locking Rinoa up and stealing her chain necklace~ Why do nitwits travel in groups? I hate that.  
  
She goes into Rinoa's bedroom and searches through her clothes. She finds Rinoa's blonde-yellow-white dress and tries it on. Rena carefully puts on Rinoa's chain necklace with Squall's damn ring on it.. She gawks into the mirror with cheerful brown eyes.  
  
Rena: Oh, Squally poo! I made a special dinner for you! Yeah, that'll work. Almost exactly like that moron, and my father says I'll never be an actress. ~laughs evilly~  
  
A little while later Selphie had returned with the gang. Nobody noticed Rinoa wasn't exactly Rinoa. That was the plan.  
  
Selphie: Shhh.. Squall's coming. Everyone hide!   
Squall: ~opens the door~ I need some sleep.  
Everyone: ~jumps~ Surprise!  
Squall: ~moans depressingly~ Not today please.  
Rena: ~leaps into Squall's arms~ Hi honey!  
Squall: Hey, why does it smell like a sewage in here?  
Rena: Oh, I cooked!  
Quistis: Yeah, who couldn't tell?  
Squall: ~grits teeth~ That's so sweet of you.  
Zell: We wanted to congratulate you on seeing a shrink, I mean, a psychiatrist. Even Seifer is coming! We all brought gifts too.  
Selphie: We all want to support you because you're so cool! Go Squall! S-Q-U...ALL!   
Squall: ~sarcastic~ I feel real special now. Thanks.  
Rena: ~whispers seductively into Squall's eyes~ You'll get your present later tonight.  
Squall: You mean you got that problem fixed down there?  
Rena: ~alarmed~ What problem?!  
Irvine: ~eavesdropping~ I hope so.  
Rena: ~kicks Irvine's shin~   
Irvine: Oh! She's hurting me again! Why are you so violent towards me?!  
Quistis: That's because you're a wuss.   
Rena: ~sarcastic~ It must be your long satiny womanly hair that causes girls to be jealous.  
Irvine: ~smiles smugly and runs his hand through his hair~ Now you mention it, it is rather nice. I bet a lot of people are envious of my handsome self.  
Rena: ~sneers~   
Seifer: ~walks in with Rajun and Fujin~ Hey people! The life of the party is here!  
Rena: ~eyes wander to Seifer, admiring his physique~ Hi...  
Fujin: ~whispers so only Rena hears~ You had your chance last summer. Boy is mine.  
Rena: ~whispers back~ We'll see about that.  
Rajun: ~wanders towards the closet to steal another article of clothing~   
Rena: ~pushes him away from it~ No! Stay out of there!  
Rajun: I was just going check out stuff, ya know.  
Rena: Don't.  
Irvine: Watch out Rage! She kicks shins. And if she misses, you know what she might end up kicking?  
Seifer: ~mutters~ Don't remind me.   
Fujin: ~glances at Rena strangely~   
Rena: Excuse me. ~heads for the bathroom~  
Fujin: Suspicious. ~goes to spy on her~  
  
Rena: ~washes face and looks at the mirror in front of her~ Calm down. Nobody knows. So nothing to worry about. It's going to be all right. No one but Caraway could ever tell us apart. After everyone leaves, just drag her to the nearest train station to Deling. Then Daddy can have his favorite little disappointment back!   
Fujin: ~overhears some of her words and runs out to everyone~  
Zell: What's wrong Fujin? You looked worried.  
Selphie: Yeah, what's up with that? Wait Zell, doesn't she always look, you know, kinda weird? No offense Fujin, but it's true.  
Fujin: WEIRD. RINOA.  
Rena: ~comes out~ What about me, Fujin?  
Fujin: CARAWAY.  
Rena: Yep. That's my dad.  
Fujin: FAVORITE DISAPPOINTMENT?  
Rena: ~turns bright red~ How can you say that?  
Fujin: ~drops the speech impediment~ What did you mean by daddy's favorite little disappointment?  
Rena: ~fakes crying~ No! My father loves me! He does too!  
Squall: ~holds Rena~ Why did you say that?  
Fujin: SHE SAY.  
Rena: I WANT YOU OUT FUJIN!!! Just because I don't get along with him, does not mean you can talk bad about him not loving me!  
Fujin: But...   
Selphie: That's so rude. Rinoa is not a disappointment. You're probably just jealous.  
Fujin: ~outraged~ JEALOUS?!  
Quistis: ~laughs out loud~ I'm sure that's it.  
Selphie: Yeah cause Rinoa is a much better person than you. She can have any guy she wanted. Not that she would leave her darling Squally Wally here. She's in true love.  
Quistis: ~mutters~ She's in something.   
Squall: ~comforts Rena~ Go on Fujin. That was out of line.   
Fujin: ~gives in~ Screw you all. ~leaves~  
Seifer: That was messy. I better go find her. ~heads for door~  
Rena: No! Please stay Seifer. For the party. Fujin probably needs time to calm down. Oh man, I ruined Squall's party! I'm such a loser! ~starts crying dramatically again~  
Squall: ~hugs her tighter~ No you didn't. We all love you.  
Seifer: ~whispers to Quistis~ He's whipped.  
Quistis: ~whispers~ Yeah, look at how hysterical she's being.  
Rena: ~makes herself cry more~ Do you two hate me also?  
Quistis: ~coughs~ May ~coughs~ Be. ~coughs~ You ~coughs~ Hoe.   
Seifer: Everyone already knows my opinion.  
Squall: ~roars~ You two get out too!  
Seifer: Okay kitty-kitty boy.  
Quistis: Seifer, wanna go to the Secret Area?  
Seifer: ~smiles~ Let's go. ~they leave~  
Rajun: Wait for me! We can play the Twizzler's game! ~chases after them~  
Rena: ~sobs~ Nobody loves me!  
Irvine: I do...  
Squall: ~gives Irvine a dirty look~  
Selphie: As a friend, right? Right?!  
Irvine: ~lies~ Yeah, of course.  
Selphie: ~eyes narrow~ That's it! You're going home Irvy! You mind, Rinoa?  
Rena: Of course not. I'll see you tomorrow.  
Selphie: ~pulls Irvine out by the ear~  
Squall: ~grins~ We're alone now.  
Zell: No you're not.  
Squall: Oh yeah. I heard a hot dog truck was supposed to deliver to the cafeteria tonight.  
Zell: Then forget you both! ~runs out door~  
Rena: We're alone now.  
Squall: ~hears something~ What was that?  
Rena: ~lies~ Oh it was the dinner. Go get in bed and I'll take care of it.  
Squall: All right. ~leaves~  
Rena: ~goes to the closet~ Damn girl, you're awake.  
Rinoa: ~tries to say something but tape covers her mouth~  
Rena: I could get really used to this, sis. But sadly, I have to finish business first. ~smacks Rinoa out again~  
Squall: Oh Rinoa...hurry. ~calls~  
Rena: I'll take care of you later.  
  
The next morning, Squall and Rena go out for breakfast. Irvine swings by.  
Irvine: ~knocks on door~ You know, I was just kidding about last night.   
Silence...  
Irvine: Come on! I'm sorry. Let me in.  
Some muffled sounds coming from inside.  
Irvine: Okay, unless somebody screams "no", I'm coming in!  
Silence again.  
Irvine: All right! You asked for it! ~barges in and looks around~. I guess nobody's here. Good.   
The muffled sounds of Rinoa start from the closet.  
Irvine: ~daydreams~ Rinoa, you know I meant what I said last night. Nobody can love you like I do. ~pulls out guitar and starts singing~  
Rinoa tries to scream.  
Irvine: ~sings~ Howdy do! Howdy do! Oh Rinoa, I love you! You are my star! Won't you come to the backseat of my car?! Oh howdy do! Howdy do!  
Rinoa bangs her head into the wall, trying to end the suffering.  
Irvine: Howdy do! Howdy– What the hell was that?  
She tries to draw him near the closet by making noise.  
Irvine: ~opens the closet door ~ Oh my god! Rinoa's sweater! Hanging perfectly. ~doesn't notice her tied up on the bottom and starts worshiping the sweater~  
Rinoa: ~tries to kick him even though she's tied up and manages to get his attention~  
Irvine: Rinoa! What are you doing in the closest? Is this supposed to be Squall's idea of kinky? ~painfully rips the tape off her mouth and unties her~  
Rinoa: No, Rena did this!  
Irvine: Whoa! You're into threesomes!? Awesome! Do you think Squall would really mind if you, Selphie, and I–  
Rinoa: No! Rena's my sister!  
Irvine: Wow! That's real kinky! I always wondered what it'd be like with two sisters...  
Rinoa: ~smacks Irvine so hard he flies a few feet~  
Irvine: You know, violence is a turnoff for me.  
Rinoa: You blockhead! Rena's my corrupted identical twin sister who plans total world domination by seizing me, impersonating me and manipulating SeeD to all her twisted evil desires and proving once and for all to our father, that she is indeed the less annoying daughter!  
Irvine: ~stares off~ Oh, sorry, what was that again? Don't use so many big words this time.  
Rinoa: Sister... impostor... bad.  
Irvine: Oh, I get it!  
Rinoa: ~mutters~ No wonder. Selphie and him are perfect for each other.  
Irvine: ~gets all heroic~ We have to stop her! For the children!  
Rinoa: Yes... What children?!  
Irvine: Oh, yeah, children suck ass. For the porn magazines!  
Rinoa: No... How about for Squall?  
Irvine: No! Never for that jerk off!  
Rinoa: ~rolls eyes~ Fine, porn magazines. As long as it's Playgirl.  
Irvine: ~whines~ I don't want any yaoi...  
Rinoa: Let's just forget it, okay?! Let's go kick some evil sisterly ass!  
Irvine: ~smiles innocently~ Will you dress up in a skimpy heroine outfit?  
Rinoa: No!  
Irvine: Squall will like it. He'll finally completely respect you as a person and love you forever and always.  
Rinoa: Well, if that's the case... ~magically appears in a blue skimpy catsuit~  
Irvine: All right! Listen, how about we put off this evil crusade and have some fun?  
Rinoa: ~snaps her fingers and Irvine magically appears in a tight sexy Robin Hood outfit~  
Irvine: AHHHHHHHHH!  
Then Selphie enters the room.  
Selphie: Oh my freaking god! What's going on?! I'll kill you Rinoa! ~lunges~  
Rinoa: ~smacks Selphie away~ We're going on a mission to save the world from my evil identical twin sister. Plus I don't want that slut all over my Squally!  
Selphie: ~mutters~ Too late for that...  
Rinoa: What was that?!  
Selphie: Rinoa... well the other Rinoa, and Squall are making out in the Quad.  
Rinoa: I'll kill that bitch! ~runs off~  
Irvine: Wait... doesn't Selphie get a skimpy outfit?  
Selphie: Look at me. I already am.  
Irvine: ~smiles~ Okay.  
  
Rinoa, Selphie, and Irvine hurry to the Quad. Sure enough, Rena and Squall are making out on a bench.  
  
Squall: Wow, Rinoa, you sure have changed. You used to be so prude. And you used to talk all the time and it always bore me to death. Sometimes I just wished I could slice my gunblade through your throat...  
Rena: Shut up and kiss!  
Squall: Yes ma'am!   
Rinoa: GET OFF MY MAN!  
Irvine: Why him when you can have me? ~flaunts his tight butt off~  
Selphie: ~smacks it~ Work it baby!  
Rena: ~looks confused~ Who are you?  
Squall: WHAT THE HELL? Wait... there's two. BUT THAT CAN BE BAD TOO!  
Rinoa: Squally, I'm the real Rinoa. That's my corrupted identical twin sister who plans total world domination by seizing me, impersonating me and manipulating SeeD to all her twisted evil desires and proving once and for all to our father, that she is indeed the less annoying daughter.  
Squall: Huh?  
Rena: I already told him you dumb bitch.  
Rinoa: What?!  
Squall: ~laughs~ My plan worked!  
Rinoa: Oh Squally Wally. What ever do you mean by that?  
Squall: ~under the spotlight~ At first, I was pissed that I was stuck with an air head like you as a love interest. Then Caraway let me in on the whole dark family secret. Rena and I planned this whole thing. Everyone had a part. Except maybe the Committee and Quistis.  
Rinoa: ~looks to Irvine and Selphie~ You helped in all this?  
Irvine: ~looks ashamed in his poor tights~ Sorry. My bad...  
Selphie: Oops.  
Rinoa: ~tears whelmed in her eyes as she looks at Squall~ Why? I taught you so much! Made you a better person!  
Squall: Now you didn't. Rena technically did. Did you think I was just hanging out with Irvine before that parade?  
Rena: ~giggles~ That was the most kinky thing ever.   
Rinoa: This is so unfair! I'm supposed to get the guy in the ending! I'm the star of Final Fantasy Eight!  
Rena: Well, the game's over. The only reason I was wasn't the co-star was because they said I wasn't innocent and cheerful enough. They wanted a weak ditzy character.  
Rinoa: I'm not weak, dammit! And why do you always have to steal my boyfriends? Ever since we were kids. Squall, we were destined for each other.  
Squall: Apparently not. ~kisses Rena's cheek~  
Rena: Hey! You were the dirty little hoe back then if I can quite remember correctly. Does the name Numbskull ring a bell? Or even that guy Seifer you brought home?   
Rinoa: That was an experiment.  
Rena: An experiment? I don't even want to ask...   
Quistis: ~walks by with Seifer~ Hey! Whoa, what's going on?  
Rinoa: ~cries~ I'M GONNA TELL DADDY WHAT YOU DID!  
Rena: Oh well...  
Rinoa: ~runs away~  
Quistis: ~rolls eyes~ Wasn't that like the fortieth time you guys did this? Why do you keep repeating the party when you know that she's never gonna get it.   
Seifer: I thought it was more like thirty thrice.   
Quistis: I lost count.  
Rena: Bye bye Rinny.  
Selphie: ~sings~ Bye Bye Bye!  
Rinoa: Shut up Serena!  
Rena: I told you never to call me that! The last thing we need is Sailormoon jokes.  
Rinoa: Oh... what are you going to do? Universal Love Lipstick Cosmic Bitch Power me!  
Irvine: Damn, what's with this swearing? I thought this was a G rated fanfic!  
Selphie: Nope. I think it's like PG13 or something.  
Squall: Girls, stop fighting. I don't want to have to go to Rinoa's funeral.  
Rajun: ~appears~ Or Rena's!  
Rena: Not you again!  
Rajun: Don't badmouth Rinoa, ya know.   
Rena: What are you going to do about it?  
Rajun: I'll hit you with my huge stick!  
Quistis: Whoa... that's entirely too much info.  
Selphie: Yeah, do it Rage! Use that stick!  
Irvine: ~hurt~ Selphie!  
Selphie: ~blushes~ Why else do you think he wears those baggy pants? ~smiles~  
Seifer: Hey! Do you think we can end this fanfic soon?  
  
THE END.  
Seifer: What kind of fucking ending is that?!  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  



End file.
